• Aries Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere.
  • Taurus Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.
  • Gemini You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
  • Cancer Some have criticized horoscopy as being a passive method of fortune telling, and Cancer wants to change that. You WILL meet a dark stranger this week. Got it?
  • Leo It's true: Nobody likes a good ham-and-eggs breakfast more than you.
  • Virgo You will formulate a mathematical proof based on a paraconstant, quasi-logical, either/or transience that seems to prove that millions of checks are, at this very moment, in the mail.
  • Libra The devil will appear in a sudden cloud of fire and brimstone to present incontrovertible proof that he did not, in fact, make you do it.
  • Scorpio Your exciting new job in the hospitality industry will require you to change a lot more bedsheets than you were led to believe.
  • Sagittarius You still haven't found anything that compares to the adrenaline rush you get from washing down a whole box of blueberry donuts with Strawberry Quik.
  • Capricorn You meet your online romance, only to find he's no more exciting than you are.
  • Aquarius What your therapist has been calling "classic Aquarius behavior" is therapist shorthand for "being an asshole."
  • Pisces There is no accounting for taste, especially after your tongue is ripped out by pigeons next Thursday.