Horoscope for the week of April 26, 2000

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Aries Your simple, pious life as a devout Lutheran is marred only by the giant talking Saint Bernard who seems to follow you everywhere.

Taurus Everyone doubted you when you said you were going to bike across the country last summer. Make them feel bad by telling them it's their fault you didn't.

Gemini You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.

Cancer Some have criticized horoscopy as being a passive method of fortune telling, and Cancer wants to change that. You WILL meet a dark stranger this week. Got it?

Leo It's true: Nobody likes a good ham-and-eggs breakfast more than you.

Virgo You will formulate a mathematical proof based on a paraconstant, quasi-logical, either/or transience that seems to prove that millions of checks are, at this very moment, in the mail.

Libra The devil will appear in a sudden cloud of fire and brimstone to present incontrovertible proof that he did not, in fact, make you do it.

Scorpio Your exciting new job in the hospitality industry will require you to change a lot more bedsheets than you were led to believe.

Sagittarius You still haven't found anything that compares to the adrenaline rush you get from washing down a whole box of blueberry donuts with Strawberry Quik.

Capricorn You meet your online romance, only to find he's no more exciting than you are.

Aquarius What your therapist has been calling "classic Aquarius behavior" is therapist shorthand for "being an asshole."

Pisces There is no accounting for taste, especially after your tongue is ripped out by pigeons next Thursday.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of May ... » (May 3, 2000)

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