• Aries You really won't know what to think when God Himself appears to you and asks, rather shyly, if you think people would be okay with saying "God Herself" from now on.
  • Taurus An innocent trip across town in your Abrams main battle tank to return a friend's industrial-grade power tools will somehow result in your pulling off the bank heist of the century totally by accident.
  • Gemini Good coaching and kind, compassionate discipline will turn a ragtag group of problem kids into a top-notch football team, but you're just what they need to turn them back to violence and drug abuse.
  • Cancer You should move confidently in whatever direction your dreams take you, even if they're about being chased down a dark hallway by a bloody-fanged eggplant.
  • Leo Mars descending in your sign is usually a sign of good luck, but that's when Mars isn't descending straight at you.
  • Virgo Unfortunately, the police have also heard the story where the murderer kills her victim with a frozen leg of lamb and then feeds the evidence to investigators.
  • Libra Treating yourself to a piece of pie when things go well is a good idea, but remember that you said "well," you fat fucking hog—not "barely acceptable."
  • Scorpio The other men who delivered babies in stalled elevators were considered heroes, but they didn't commandeer an elevator full of food, water, medical supplies, and women last July.
  • Sagittarius You remember what a good, strong, fiery kick a bottle used to have in the old days—it was nothing like the watered-down crap these puny kids are calling a Molotov cocktail.
  • Capricorn Life as a left-hander isn't all that bad, but you still think it's small-minded of your insurance company to take such a laterally asymmetrical view of your accident coverage.
  • Aquarius This Thursday's sudden solar flare will have far-reaching cosmic effects, changing what should have been a good day for career ambitions into an opportunity for romance with a dark stranger.
  • Pisces There's nothing wrong with consensual love between adult human beings, but as long as other people are demonizing it for personal gain, you want in.