Horoscope for the week of April 28, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•16 Apr 28, 1999
  • Aries You will discover an unfortunate downside to eating too many of those scrumptious, non-fat sleeping pills.
  • Taurus Your attempt to get your own chapter in the history books will provide an interesting case study for the medical books.
  • Gemini Gemini is ready for bar or beach in a kicky tanktop (Diesel, $77), buff khaki cargo shorts (Gap, $33) and sporty surf sandals (Dolce & Gabbana, $105).
  • Cancer You can’t shake the feeling that there should be more to life than "On with the pants, off with the pants" all day long.
  • Leo You are delighted to discover that there is something between the tits and ass.
  • Virgo After a year-long drinking binge, you suddenly come to in Times Square wearing a suit, holding a briefcase and making millions in arbitrage.
  • Libra The solution to all your problems can be found by reading the mistranslated myths of a stone-age desert nomad tribe.
  • Scorpio Your love of a good chicken dinner only deepens when you taste a chicken that’s been both plucked and cooked.
  • Sagittarius The simultaneous invention of the stirrup, saddle and recurved bow make this a good week for you and the rest of your Mongol horde.
  • Capricorn Mars in your sign indicates conflict and change. That, or it was getting tired of hanging out in that boring old Scorpio place.
  • Aquarius Don’t be afraid to follow your dreams— even the ones in which the kitchen table grows jagged teeth and chases you around while shrieking Keats poems.
  • Pisces Your decision to spend a year in Israel comes as a great relief to every other nation on Earth.