• Aries Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your microwave.
  • Taurus After many years together, your spouse will announce she is leaving you because you are so damned fat.
  • Gemini Government scientists will develop a new form of euthanasia designed specifically for you.
  • Cancer The crazed, maniacal stalker who has tormented you for months will finally relent this week when you forget to pay him.
  • Leo A wacky office mix-up ensues when you casually tell a co-worker that you want to "shoot my hot cum all over your big tits," and she takes it as a dirty sexual double-entendre.
  • Virgo The stars indicate that you should look forward to a week of whirlwind romance and passionate sexual trysting, those good-for-nothing celestial liars.
  • Libra After many tests, top doctors will declare the egg-sized tumor in your brain to be benign. However, they will also discover the rest of your body to be incurably malignant.
  • Scorpio Pluto in your sign indicates that invisible demons from beyond time will devour you alive before many witnesses, prompting a groundbreaking piece of congressional legislation.
  • Sagittarius What begins as an ordinary whitewater-rafting trip ends with four lucky Sagittarii discovering a vast gold mine. None of them are you.
  • Capricorn Your habit of indulging in over-educated, pun-filled "trash talk" provokes the other members of your volleyball team to bury you alive.
  • Aquarius Your sex life goes down the tubes after you accidentally cut off your most fun parts with a hedge trimmer.
  • Pisces Pisces has been closed for non-payment of gambling debts.