Aries Police officers are unable to determine the cause of your death until they uncover the giant syringe, human sex hormones, and disabled safety-lock on your microwave.
Taurus After many years together, your spouse will announce she is leaving you because you are so damned fat.
Gemini Government scientists will develop a new form of euthanasia designed specifically for you.
Cancer The crazed, maniacal stalker who has tormented you for months will finally relent this week when you forget to pay him.
Leo A wacky office mix-up ensues when you casually tell a co-worker that you want to "shoot my hot cum all over your big tits," and she takes it as a dirty sexual double-entendre.
Virgo The stars indicate that you should look forward to a week of whirlwind romance and passionate sexual trysting, those good-for-nothing celestial liars.
Libra After many tests, top doctors will declare the egg-sized tumor in your brain to be benign. However, they will also discover the rest of your body to be incurably malignant.
Scorpio Pluto in your sign indicates that invisible demons from beyond time will devour you alive before many witnesses, prompting a groundbreaking piece of congressional legislation.
Sagittarius What begins as an ordinary whitewater-rafting trip ends with four lucky Sagittarii discovering a vast gold mine. None of them are you.
Capricorn Your habit of indulging in over-educated, pun-filled "trash talk" provokes the other members of your volleyball team to bury you alive.
Aquarius Your sex life goes down the tubes after you accidentally cut off your most fun parts with a hedge trimmer.
Pisces Pisces has been closed for non-payment of gambling debts.
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