Horoscope for the week of April 3, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•12 Apr 3, 2002
  • Aries You will soon be judged by a jury of your peers, although finding 12 equally drunk bus drivers will not be easy.
  • Taurus It turns out the voices in your head that tell you how to behave are called your "conscience" and that listening to them will ruin your career in advertising.
  • Gemini Before this week, you thought "nibbled to death by ducks" was merely a funny way of describing the bureaucratic process.
  • Cancer You are growing increasingly annoyed with popular culture's continued misinterpretation and trivialization of the vampire's point of view.
  • Leo You will experience the sort of pain normally felt only by careless entrants in theWorld's Strongest Man competition.
  • Virgo You will successfully avoid being pulled over by burly mustachioed state troopers, thanks to your invention of the Gaydar Detector.
  • Libra You will feel a strange mixture of personal embarrassment and artistic revulsion when you are lampooned by The Capitol Steps.
  • Scorpio You were born bearing the burden of original sin, but that has not stopped you from indulging in several hundred derivative types.
  • Sagittarius Your theory regarding governmentmind-control devices is right, except for the part about the tinfoil helmets being an effective way to stop them.
  • Capricorn The paramedics will be forced to rip you out of your suit and cut off your tie to save you from wearing an absolutely ridiculous suit and tie.
  • Aquarius You're half right: Heaven does not, in fact, want you, but Hell is not the least bit concerned that you might take over.
  • Pisces You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.