Aries Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you'll have another beer.
Taurus It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.
Gemini You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips.
Cancer Mars' position in your sign indicates that only hard work and dedication can help you reach your goals. But don't worry: Mars will move by next week.
Leo You've never been a big fan of being hosed down, but next week's non-stop barrage of hosings will give you a chance to change your mind.
Virgo You will finally develop soft, shiny, touchable hair, just moments before getting hit by a bus--which at first might seem unrelated.
Libra Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they're the ones behind the assassination attempts.
Scorpio Sometimes, you just want to go someplace where nobody knows who you are. Luckily, this is easily accomplished by leaving your house.
Sagittarius The juxtaposition of sexual imagery and Catholic iconography has been done to death, but, hey, it's your personals ad.
Capricorn You'll make it obvious whether you value quantity or quality when you live to the age of 113.
Aquarius You will soon seek in death the peace and tranquility that has eluded you in life. Unfortunately, nobody told you about Six Flags Over Heaven.
Pisces Long-established patterns of behavior will not magically change for you this week.
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