• Aries Everyone needs to believe in something. You, for instance, believe in a omnipotent man who lives in the sky, and that you'll have another beer.
  • Taurus It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.
  • Gemini You'll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips.
  • Cancer Mars' position in your sign indicates that only hard work and dedication can help you reach your goals. But don't worry: Mars will move by next week.
  • Leo You've never been a big fan of being hosed down, but next week's non-stop barrage of hosings will give you a chance to change your mind.
  • Virgo You will finally develop soft, shiny, touchable hair, just moments before getting hit by a bus--which at first might seem unrelated.
  • Libra Take a little time this week to think of those closest to you and the possibility that they're the ones behind the assassination attempts.
  • Scorpio Sometimes, you just want to go someplace where nobody knows who you are. Luckily, this is easily accomplished by leaving your house.
  • Sagittarius The juxtaposition of sexual imagery and Catholic iconography has been done to death, but, hey, it's your personals ad.
  • Capricorn You'll make it obvious whether you value quantity or quality when you live to the age of 113.
  • Aquarius You will soon seek in death the peace and tranquility that has eluded you in life. Unfortunately, nobody told you about Six Flags Over Heaven.
  • Pisces Long-established patterns of behavior will not magically change for you this week.