• Aries You are loyal, friendly, and an excellent companion. This is not because you are an Aries, but because you are a purebred Sealyham Terrier.
  • Taurus Try to take the long view: No matter how bad things are right now, you'll be dead in a hundred years.
  • Gemini You will enjoy a brief moment of national exposure when Fox launches its new series, Geminis Caught On Tape!
  • Cancer Be careful what you wish for this week. You won't get it, but it never hurts to be careful.
  • Leo You are a person who marches to the beat of thousands of identical drummers.
  • Virgo You will be forced to wrest control of your life from others next week. Until then, stay home and practice your wresting.
  • Libra You will expand your consciousness to encompass the Music Of The Spheres, only to realize it consists entirely of circus marches.
  • Scorpio You will be faced with a cosmic revelation which you are unable to fully comprehend. Don't worry, though: You can always rent it again.
  • Sagittarius The stars, arranged as they are in a portentous and mystic combination existing only at this precise moment in time, indicate that this is not a good week to start new projects.
  • Capricorn Try harder to make yourself understood by others this week by speaking louder and more slowly.
  • Aquarius This is no time to sit idly by and let others exercise their will over you, but that's exactly what you'll do.
  • Pisces Not everyone harbors a feeling of icy hatred towards you. Some people's hatred is actually quite fiery.