• Aries It's not that people won’t care when they see you get hit by a bus. It's just that they know an attention-getting ploy when they see one.
  • Taurus Experts are still unable to adequately explain to you the difference between Ed Begley and Ed Begley Jr.
  • Gemini Sadly, your best efforts to find a second effective cat-skinning method will prove futile.
  • Cancer Don't let winning the tri-county area’s top prize for collating provide you with some sort of reason to live.
  • Leo Despite what the stars said last week, no one misses you now that you’re dead.
  • Virgo Carry a 50-gallon drum of leaf lard with you everywhere this week. Really. This isn’t like that time you were told to wear a pink raccoon coat and stay awake for 10 days. Honest. Virgo promises.
  • Libra The stars say you will soon face an important business decision. Many of them do, anyway. There are about 100 billion of them, you know, and they don’t always agree.
  • Scorpio God does hear your prayers, but He asks you to please tone them down a bit, as they keep Him up nights.
  • Sagittarius You will wake up in a strange bed yet again this Sunday. Consider buying a more mundane bed.
  • Capricorn You begin to see things differently this week when your eyes snap into focus for the very first time.
  • Aquarius You can plainly see why they call that guy Happy Gilmore, as he does appear to be very happy, indeed.
  • Pisces Pisces would tell you the winning lottery numbers for this week, but you probably wouldn't recognize any of them.