• Aries Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives.
  • Taurus Your weight may be too high, but that's no reason for the police to describe what will happen to you as a triple homicide.
  • Gemini There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
  • Cancer This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.
  • Leo As a defiler of famous authors' graves, you must agree that if Dorothy Parker were dug up and laid end to end, you wouldn't be a bit surprised.
  • Virgo Horrible, six-mawed creatures from beyond time and space won't let you have a chance at the million-dollar prize unless you buy their magazines.
  • Libra One man's ball sweat is another man's enchanting musk. Find out exactly who these men are, tonight on News At 10.
  • Scorpio Your feeble constitution is noted once again when you enter the hospital after being savagely beaten at checkers.
  • Sagittarius You've said that none of those people would've died, if only they had let you live your own life. But, come on, you know that isn't true.
  • Capricorn Television taunts you once again, this time with a show where convicted felons get to have puppies even though you don't.
  • Aquarius A bad experience with free jazz, indirect mood lighting, and spiritual possession will show you that there's a right way and wrong way to commune with the infinite.
  • Pisces The stars apologize for the temporary and unavoidable delay. Your life will resume its accelerating downward spiral within moments.