Aries Tonight, take a moment to say a few words in honor of the brave deliveryman who died bringing hot, delicious pizza to your House Of Knives.
Taurus Your weight may be too high, but that's no reason for the police to describe what will happen to you as a triple homicide.
Gemini There hasn't been a stampeding death in your area in more than a century, but your air horn and steer costume will change all that.
Cancer This week is a good one for romance in the workplace, and an even better one for necromancy in the breakroom.
Leo As a defiler of famous authors' graves, you must agree that if Dorothy Parker were dug up and laid end to end, you wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Virgo Horrible, six-mawed creatures from beyond time and space won't let you have a chance at the million-dollar prize unless you buy their magazines.
Libra One man's ball sweat is another man's enchanting musk. Find out exactly who these men are, tonight on News At 10.
Scorpio Your feeble constitution is noted once again when you enter the hospital after being savagely beaten at checkers.
Sagittarius You've said that none of those people would've died, if only they had let you live your own life. But, come on, you know that isn't true.
Capricorn Television taunts you once again, this time with a show where convicted felons get to have puppies even though you don't.
Aquarius A bad experience with free jazz, indirect mood lighting, and spiritual possession will show you that there's a right way and wrong way to commune with the infinite.
Pisces The stars apologize for the temporary and unavoidable delay. Your life will resume its accelerating downward spiral within moments.
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