Horoscope

04.08.98 | ISSUE 33•13

  • Aries A dark, mysterious stranger will enter your life and engage you in a brief, torrid romance before gaining 300 pounds and succumbing to heroin addiction.
  • Taurus You will soon be forced to choose between accepting yourself as a homosexual and spending every day of your life consumed by deep shame and self-loathing. Be sure to consult your pastor.
  • Gemini Your new career in cat breeding fails miserably when you find you are unable to stop yourself from crushing the tiny little kittens in your fists.
  • Cancer You will plummet 10,000 feet to your death after failing to heed the advice of your sex counselor and using a non-water-based anal lubricant.
  • Leo Light from the constellation Leo has travelled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you not to begin a diet this week.
  • Virgo The young, single people in your town have banded together to prove that they can out-love the singles in the next town. Your name will not come up.
  • Libra After 10 years of infidelity, your spouse will finally stop cheating on you this week, bringing your twisted love life to a screeching halt.
  • Scorpio You will learn the hard way that the new management of your store frowns upon All-Nude 40 Percent Off Day.
  • Sagittarius Strange, humiliating, highly publicized events in your life will inspire Entertainment Weekly to dub you "The Next Rick Moranis."
  • Capricorn You will achieve a lifelong goal when you visit a magic show and are chosen as a volunteer from the audience.
  • Aquarius You will win the Nobel Prize for Literature after writing the world’s most poignant birthday card.
  • Pisces You think that Andrew guy is finally gone, but you wake from a sound sleep to find him reading you bedtime stories.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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