Horoscope for the week of April 8, 1998Aries A dark, mysterious stranger will enter your life and engage you in a brief, torrid romance before gaining 300 pounds and succumbing to heroin addiction.Taurus You will soon be forced to choose between accepting yourself as a homosexual and spending every day of your life consumed by deep shame and self-loathing. Be sure to consult your pastor.Gemini Your new career in cat breeding fails miserably when you find you are unable to stop yourself from crushing the tiny little kittens in your fists.
Cancer You will plummet 10,000 feet to your death after failing to heed the advice of your sex counselor and using a non-water-based anal lubricant.Leo Light from the constellation Leo has travelled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you not to begin a diet this week.Virgo The young, single people in your town have banded together to prove that they can out-love the singles in the next town. Your name will not come up.Libra After 10 years of infidelity, your spouse will finally stop cheating on you this week, bringing your twisted love life to a screeching halt.Scorpio You will learn the hard way that the new management of your store frowns upon All-Nude 40 Percent Off Day.Sagittarius Strange, humiliating, highly publicized events in your life will inspire Entertainment Weekly to dub you "The Next Rick Moranis."Capricorn You will achieve a lifelong goal when you visit a magic show and are chosen as a volunteer from the audience.Aquarius You will win the Nobel Prize for Literature after writing the world’s most poignant birthday card.Pisces You think that Andrew guy is finally gone, but you wake from a sound sleep to find him reading you bedtime stories.