• Aries A dark, mysterious stranger will enter your life and engage you in a brief, torrid romance before gaining 300 pounds and succumbing to heroin addiction.
  • Taurus You will soon be forced to choose between accepting yourself as a homosexual and spending every day of your life consumed by deep shame and self-loathing. Be sure to consult your pastor.
  • Gemini Your new career in cat breeding fails miserably when you find you are unable to stop yourself from crushing the tiny little kittens in your fists.
  • Cancer You will plummet 10,000 feet to your death after failing to heed the advice of your sex counselor and using a non-water-based anal lubricant.
  • Leo Light from the constellation Leo has travelled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you not to begin a diet this week.
  • Virgo The young, single people in your town have banded together to prove that they can out-love the singles in the next town. Your name will not come up.
  • Libra After 10 years of infidelity, your spouse will finally stop cheating on you this week, bringing your twisted love life to a screeching halt.
  • Scorpio You will learn the hard way that the new management of your store frowns upon All-Nude 40 Percent Off Day.
  • Sagittarius Strange, humiliating, highly publicized events in your life will inspire Entertainment Weekly to dub you "The Next Rick Moranis."
  • Capricorn You will achieve a lifelong goal when you visit a magic show and are chosen as a volunteer from the audience.
  • Aquarius You will win the Nobel Prize for Literature after writing the world’s most poignant birthday card.
  • Pisces You think that Andrew guy is finally gone, but you wake from a sound sleep to find him reading you bedtime stories.