Horoscope for the week of April 9, 1997

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Aries Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper.

Taurus Your attempt to use pornography to fill the void in your passionless marriage backfires when all the skin mags you buy feature 12-page color spreads of your wife.

Gemini Your recent mishap with a bottle of vodka, a 50-gallon drum of turpentine, a Zippo, and a busload of orphans will inspire a very special episode of Baywatch.

Cancer Your search for the ultimate in nudity will finally end this week when you discover a special German-made electric razor which shaves off skin and muscle.

Leo You will be overcome by lust in the middle of the workday, forcing yourself upon the nearest piece of warm flesh. Fortunately, though, you are a self-employed veterinarian.

Virgo You will be both flattered and threatened by a report in The New York Times linking the assassinations of John and Robert Kennedy to your fat ass.

Libra A tall, dark stranger will appear to you in a dream, look tenderly into your eyes and extol the virtues of Pall Mall cigarettes.

Scorpio Now that fur is no longer in vogue, you should stop making trophy jackets from the scalps of your enemies.

Sagittarius After years of searching, you will finally achieve your life's goal by tracking down the cunning and elusive Jan-Michael Vincent.

Capricorn You will lose your lifelong faith in the powers of duct tape and staples when they fail to mend your broken heart.

Aquarius After years of being a contented Buddhist, you will discover a superior spiritual path hidden within the lyrics of Styx's "Come Sail Away."

Pisces After picking salt shakers out of your feet for the thousandth time, you finally decide to give up table dancing for good.

More Horoscope

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