Horoscope for the week of April 9, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•13 Apr 9, 2003
  • Aries You'll finally be contacted by your long-lost birth parents, but the nine signatures on the letter bring about more questions than answers.
  • Taurus You will be requested by the President's Special Commission For The Study Of Television to hold the rabbit ears just like that until Guiding Light is over.
  • Gemini Most of the people who told you to "just believe in yourself" didn't realize that you think you're the illegitimate son of Osiris and the Michelin Man.
  • Cancer Your efforts to start a new religion in which you're worshipped as the messiah would go farther if you didn't have long hair, a beard, and stigmata.
  • Leo It turns out that your weakness isn't the color yellow after all, but bullets, knives, and angry packs of badgers.
  • Virgo You still have no idea what makes women tick, despite having asked literally hundreds of watchmakers.
  • Libra You've asked the man in the mirror to change his ways, but he only responds by howling like a fiend and force-feeding you shards of broken glass.
  • Scorpio In spite of the circumstances that brought you together, it would deeply hurt the executioner if you took it personally.
  • Sagittarius You'll suffer the kind of low-down, yellow-dog, non-poetic blues that inspire people to urinate on you while you lie weeping in the gutter.
  • Capricorn While it's true that God's plan cannot be known by men, be assured that at no time has it ever had anything to do with you.
  • Aquarius Though they say you can never step in the same river twice, you'll find that you can fall headfirst into the same drainage ditch five times.
  • Pisces You will soon come to appreciate the little things in life, such as the amount of it you have left.