Aries Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
Taurus There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
Gemini You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
Cancer Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
Leo Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
Virgo You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
Libra Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
Scorpio The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
Sagittarius Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
Capricorn You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
Aquarius You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
Pisces By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.
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