Horoscope

08.01.01 | ISSUE 37•26

  • Aries Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
  • Taurus There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
  • Gemini You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
  • Cancer Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
  • Leo Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
  • Virgo You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
  • Libra Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
  • Scorpio The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
  • Sagittarius Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
  • Capricorn You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
  • Aquarius You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
  • Pisces By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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