• Aries Your children will grow up in a world very different from the one you live in, thanks to a lucrative deal you will soon make with the Rigellians.
  • Taurus There's a part of you that wants to go to a remote, far-off place and start eating everything in sight.
  • Gemini You will wake up in a Calcutta flophouse between two dead Thai prostitutes, which can mean only one thing: You're now officially in a rut.
  • Cancer Next time someone comes to your house to tell you that your husband has been shot, you should at least try to act surprised.
  • Leo Learning to love again will be hard for you: You've been burned before, and the thick scar tissue still cracks every time you move.
  • Virgo You are highly prized by those around you, mostly due to your high concentrations of silver and antimony.
  • Libra Confusion, a loss of self, and disorientation are your lot next week when you are dubbed into Portuguese and rereleased in Brazil.
  • Scorpio The stars wish to reveal a part of your destiny, but not in a straightforward fashion. Let's just say it's bigger than a breadbox.
  • Sagittarius Cupid will take aim at your heart next week, killing you with the .45 he keeps handy for major assholes.
  • Capricorn You will soon have some very entertaining stories about how three species of wombats became endangered.
  • Aquarius You will spend much of the next week lying around aimlessly, largely because of the lack of adenosine triphosphate in your limbs.
  • Pisces By strange coincidence, this week is the 60,000th anniversary of the invention of the hand ax, a device that figures heavily in your future.