Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

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Aries The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.

Taurus It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape.

Gemini You and your lover will be chagrined to learn that your special song is actually about a runaway horse.

Cancer Despite your great efforts, the public does not yet recognize you as "the Phil Spector of sanitary engineers."

Leo Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.

Virgo You will actually get to meet the man who wrote the book of love this week. Frankly, you are not surprised to find he's a vindictive asshole.

Libra Urges you do not completely understand will make you want to have a lot of sex, eat a lot of food and watch a lot of TV this week.

Scorpio Your constant paranoia is becoming tedious to the federal agent in charge of recording and transcribing your telephone conversations.

Sagittarius The rumor around town is that you're just a low-down dog, but don't pay any mind: You know you’re Greendale’s Hunter Pride, an AKC-registered chocolate Labrador retriever.

Capricorn The stars say The Sixth Sense is the horror-suspense film of the summer.

Aquarius You will panic next Wednesday at 8:22 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.

Pisces Venus descending in Pisces means she's tired of this Pisces bullshit. Screw Pisces.

More Horoscope

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