Horoscope for the week of August 11, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•28 Aug 11, 1999
  • Aries The many and varied experiences of this week will prompt you to drink more and cheaper beer than usual.
  • Taurus It’s high time you moved past the really tough things in your life. Grit your teeth, buckle down and finish the last level of Ape Escape.
  • Gemini You and your lover will be chagrined to learn that your special song is actually about a runaway horse.
  • Cancer Despite your great efforts, the public does not yet recognize you as "the Phil Spector of sanitary engineers."
  • Leo Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.
  • Virgo You will actually get to meet the man who wrote the book of love this week. Frankly, you are not surprised to find he's a vindictive asshole.
  • Libra Urges you do not completely understand will make you want to have a lot of sex, eat a lot of food and watch a lot of TV this week.
  • Scorpio Your constant paranoia is becoming tedious to the federal agent in charge of recording and transcribing your telephone conversations.
  • Sagittarius The rumor around town is that you're just a low-down dog, but don't pay any mind: You know you’re Greendale’s Hunter Pride, an AKC-registered chocolate Labrador retriever.
  • Capricorn The stars say The Sixth Sense is the horror-suspense film of the summer.
  • Aquarius You will panic next Wednesday at 8:22 p.m. when, without warning, the sun disappears from the sky.
  • Pisces Venus descending in Pisces means she's tired of this Pisces bullshit. Screw Pisces.