Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 32•02 Aug 12, 1997
  • Aries You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash.
  • Taurus Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep.
  • Gemini You will become sterile this week after wearing your favorite glow-in-the-dark watch on your genitals.
  • Cancer Admit the truth: Though your lover is a fast machine and keeps her motor clean, she is not the best damn woman you have ever seen.
  • Leo The stars indicate that next week will be a blood-soaked disaster for you. Resolve to enjoy yourself regardless.
  • Virgo The presence of Uranus in your sign leads to the temptation of making many jokes. Do not give in.
  • Libra Your attempt to break your Ex-Lax addiction by eating chocolate ends in disappointment when it fails to produce explosive defecation.
  • Scorpio The ghost of Bob Hope will appear to you in a dream and complain for hours about not being dead.
  • Sagittarius Heartbreak awaits when your 'love-seat' turns out to be only a short sofa.
  • Capricorn You are held liable when the cyst on your chest bursts, drowning a nurse.
  • Aquarius Your antlers will soon fall off, leaving you with nothing to attract the opposite sex.
  • Pisces Your wife wants only one thing in life. Make sure she never gets it.