Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997
Aries You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash.Taurus Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep.Gemini You will become sterile this week after wearing your favorite glow-in-the-dark watch on your genitals.Cancer Admit the truth: Though your lover is a fast machine and keeps her motor clean, she is not the best damn woman you have ever seen.Leo The stars indicate that next week will be a blood-soaked disaster for you. Resolve to enjoy yourself regardless.Virgo The presence of Uranus in your sign leads to the temptation of making many jokes. Do not give in.Libra Your attempt to break your Ex-Lax addiction by eating chocolate ends in disappointment when it fails to produce explosive defecation.Scorpio The ghost of Bob Hope will appear to you in a dream and complain for hours about not being dead.Sagittarius Heartbreak awaits when your 'love-seat' turns out to be only a short sofa.Capricorn You are held liable when the cyst on your chest bursts, drowning a nurse.Aquarius Your antlers will soon fall off, leaving you with nothing to attract the opposite sex.Pisces Your wife wants only one thing in life. Make sure she never gets it.
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