Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 34•02 Aug 12, 1998
  • Aries Take heart: The solution to all your problems can be found in The Bible—provided you are the leader of a nomadic tribe of neolithic sheepherders with a strict hygienic code.
  • Taurus Your erotic dreams about Ernie, Bert and Kermit will force you to come to terms with your mupposexuality.
  • Gemini A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Cancer Due to technical difficulties, Cancer will unfortunately not be able to provide you with a future this week.
  • Leo Mere hours after reading this horoscope, you will weaken and die. There is no reason to be alarmed, however, as you are hexagenia limbata, the Great Yellow Mayfly.
  • Virgo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Libra Though you know you are just being paranoid, you will be unable to shake the eerie feeling that someone is watching you through the video camera mounted in your maximum-security prison cell.
  • Scorpio Communication is the bedrock of every good relationship. Take those nurses out of that soundproof basement once a day and menace them with an axe, screaming obscenities.
  • Sagittarius While reporting a reckless driver, you discover that 1-800-EAT-SHIT is a hoax by the bumper-sticker people.
  • Capricorn God will appear to you in a dream this week and assure you that He hears your hilariously unreasonable prayers.
  • Aquarius Be careful what you wish for. Though you will never, ever get it, it's always good to be careful.
  • Pisces Don’t let your revels in the newly remodeled St. Marks Bath House keep you from your wife and kids.