Horoscope

08.12.98 | ISSUE 34•02

  • Aries Take heart: The solution to all your problems can be found in The Bible—provided you are the leader of a nomadic tribe of neolithic sheepherders with a strict hygienic code.
  • Taurus Your erotic dreams about Ernie, Bert and Kermit will force you to come to terms with your mupposexuality.
  • Gemini A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
  • Cancer Due to technical difficulties, Cancer will unfortunately not be able to provide you with a future this week.
  • Leo Mere hours after reading this horoscope, you will weaken and die. There is no reason to be alarmed, however, as you are hexagenia limbata, the Great Yellow Mayfly.
  • Virgo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
  • Libra Though you know you are just being paranoid, you will be unable to shake the eerie feeling that someone is watching you through the video camera mounted in your maximum-security prison cell.
  • Scorpio Communication is the bedrock of every good relationship. Take those nurses out of that soundproof basement once a day and menace them with an axe, screaming obscenities.
  • Sagittarius While reporting a reckless driver, you discover that 1-800-EAT-SHIT is a hoax by the bumper-sticker people.
  • Capricorn God will appear to you in a dream this week and assure you that He hears your hilariously unreasonable prayers.
  • Aquarius Be careful what you wish for. Though you will never, ever get it, it's always good to be careful.
  • Pisces Don’t let your revels in the newly remodeled St. Marks Bath House keep you from your wife and kids.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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