Aries Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.
Taurus You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
Gemini It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.
Cancer When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.
Leo This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."
Virgo Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.
Libra There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
Scorpio You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
Sagittarius There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the corner diner.
Capricorn You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.
Aquarius You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.
Pisces Sometimes, there are things a friend is too nice to tell you. Luckily, you don't have any friends like that.
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