• Aries Things suddenly get awkward when your coworkers notice your resemblance to the Easter Island statues and put two and two together.
  • Taurus You'll be damned if you know what those guys on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they're definitely having a much better time than you are.
  • Gemini It's time to acknowledge that your "trusty right-hand man" is really just a little face you drew on your thumb and forefinger.
  • Cancer When the credits roll at the end of your life, the words "Directed By Henry Jaglom" will go a long way toward explaining things.
  • Leo This week's events will give you cause to reconsider the wisdom of the phrase "Never give up."
  • Virgo Stop telling everyone you are popular with the ladies. Only your magnificent body is popular with the ladies.
  • Libra There is nothing morally wrong with anal sex, but your failure to exercise sufficient precautions has gotten you ass-pregnant.
  • Scorpio You will abandon your attempt to make the world's largest pancake after finding out how depressingly serious other people are about it.
  • Sagittarius There's nothing wrong with waiting tables while waiting for your big break, unless you're that girl Annette at the corner diner.
  • Capricorn You are the very picture of goodwill, honesty, and social grace. Note that use of the word "picture" also implies a certain two-dimensionality.
  • Aquarius You have many thoughtful questions about fate, destiny, and the future. It's a shame so many concern the Red Sox.
  • Pisces Sometimes, there are things a friend is too nice to tell you. Luckily, you don't have any friends like that.