• Aries If you put too much gasoline on the bandanna over your face, you'll get sick. Not enough and you'll be able to smell the corpses. Strike a balance.
  • Taurus Next time you find yourself in a hostage situation, take a hostage people care about.
  • Gemini You will be unable to cope with next Friday, mainly because our society does so little to prepare one for encounters with scary dragonflies.
  • Cancer Your much-publicized solo circumnavigation of the Earth hits a snag when you learn that "circumnavigation" means "to go all the way around."
  • Leo Today's youth sickens you. You didn't fight a secret war against the nuclear mole people at Earth's core so they could wear baggy pants and swear.
  • Virgo It will occur to you that no one in the phone book has a realistic-sounding name. Change them all, if possible.
  • Libra Children are a way to achieve a kind of immortality, as recipients of their healthy young organs can extend life beyond its natural span.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate, without actually saying it in as many words, that they really wish you'd be leaving pretty soon.
  • Sagittarius Your attempt to reach civilization by fashioning a crude raft will astound everyone else at the office.
  • Capricorn The only peace for you will be the cold, dark peace of the grave. Fortunately, there are ways to enjoy this peace before actually dying.
  • Aquarius Though it's true you have a face that could stop a clock, you will soon meet someone who can throw a clock much harder than you're used to.
  • Pisces You have not learned from the history of insignificant little people who work at insurance companies and are, therefore, doomed to repeat it.