Horoscope for the week of August 18, 1999

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Aries The stars realize you are a self-made man and no one can tell you what to do, but if you don’t stop drinking bleach, things will take a nasty turn.

Taurus Trouble looms in your life when others try to take charge of your situation. If they persist, start shooting hostages.

Gemini The dark, romantic stranger in your life turns out to be Barry White, causing discomfort for everyone involved.

Cancer God has come to you in the form of a little lost lamb and welcomed you with His warm, loving embrace. At least, that's what you should tell the animal-control officer.

Leo Leo warns you that if you don’t stop telling him you loved him in Titanic, you'll be looking for a new zodiac sign.

Virgo Fame and fortune are yours this week in an alternate dimension where enormous geekazoids are rich and famous.

Libra You will spend six hours in a small room with someone who wants to share his vast knowledge of presidential trivia.

Scorpio Scorpio regrets to announce that it has given up the zodiac to become a designer fragrance. If you liked CK1, you’ll love ScorpioTM!

Sagittarius You will become renowned throughout the land for your wisdom. (Note: The stars reserve the right to determine what constitutes "the land.")

Capricorn Avoid naked men wielding bloody axes this week, which, believe us, isn't going to be as easy as it sounds.

Aquarius There is turmoil in your earth sign this week when you declare war against tough stains and ground-in dirt.

Pisces Certain minor conflicts in your life will be resolved, but not without the services of Andrew, the office technical whiz.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of August ... » (August 25, 1999)

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