• Aries The stars realize you are a self-made man and no one can tell you what to do, but if you don’t stop drinking bleach, things will take a nasty turn.
  • Taurus Trouble looms in your life when others try to take charge of your situation. If they persist, start shooting hostages.
  • Gemini The dark, romantic stranger in your life turns out to be Barry White, causing discomfort for everyone involved.
  • Cancer God has come to you in the form of a little lost lamb and welcomed you with His warm, loving embrace. At least, that's what you should tell the animal-control officer.
  • Leo Leo warns you that if you don’t stop telling him you loved him in Titanic, you'll be looking for a new zodiac sign.
  • Virgo Fame and fortune are yours this week in an alternate dimension where enormous geekazoids are rich and famous.
  • Libra You will spend six hours in a small room with someone who wants to share his vast knowledge of presidential trivia.
  • Scorpio Scorpio regrets to announce that it has given up the zodiac to become a designer fragrance. If you liked CK1, you’ll love ScorpioTM!
  • Sagittarius You will become renowned throughout the land for your wisdom. (Note: The stars reserve the right to determine what constitutes "the land.")
  • Capricorn Avoid naked men wielding bloody axes this week, which, believe us, isn't going to be as easy as it sounds.
  • Aquarius There is turmoil in your earth sign this week when you declare war against tough stains and ground-in dirt.
  • Pisces Certain minor conflicts in your life will be resolved, but not without the services of Andrew, the office technical whiz.