Horoscope for the week of August 18, 2004

- video
- sports
- On TV
- politics
- news beat
- more
- social
- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Nicolas Cage Puppeteer
- Aging Americans
- Downton Abbey
- Obama Rant
- Last Updated 4:21 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries This week, it's more important than ever to remember Moscow Rule No. 7: Lull your opposition into a false sense of complacency.

Taurus Canadians are known the world over for their laid-back attitude, which makes it even stranger that thousands of them have barricaded you in your house.

Gemini Your tireless efforts have finally united America's workers, but it's less glorious than it sounds, given that you're the NFL's director of brand marketing.

Cancer You've finally run up against a problem your trusty meat cleaver can't solve, but that's why they make big wooden mallets.

Leo An attempt to popularize the book-length homilies of Laura Ingalls Wilder will result in professional wrestling's strangest phase yet.

Virgo Your inability to keep a recent fascination with the rock group Kansas to yourself will result in the first recorded use of a ducking stool since 1848.

Libra When you finally come out of the coma, friends will cheer your decision to reveal your recipe for Polish Bacon Buns.

Scorpio You won't exactly fade into obscurity after your death, considering that that's where you spent all of your life.

Sagittarius When the aliens finally arrive, they'll be much less advanced than anyone expected, as evinced by your maiming under the bald tires of their out-of-control '79 Buick.

Capricorn You'll be thrown into a panic when the doctor diagnoses you with ulnar nerve damage, until he explains that that's just funny-bone trouble.

Aquarius Stephen Hawking will revise his controversial theory on black holes, leaving you stumped about that noisy thing in your sink that eats garbage.

Pisces The stars convey the wisdom that men and women are different, making you wonder momentarily if they might not just be giant fusion reactors after all.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of August ... (August 11, 2004)
Horoscope for the week of August ... » (August 25, 2004)

Past Horoscopes

February 7, 2012

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...
January 31, 2012

Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...
January 24, 2012

Aries Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...
January 17, 2012

Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...
January 10, 2012

Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...
January 3, 2012

Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...
December 6, 2011

Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...
November 15, 2011

Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...
November 8, 2011

Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...