• Aries This week, it's more important than ever to remember Moscow Rule No. 7: Lull your opposition into a false sense of complacency.
  • Taurus Canadians are known the world over for their laid-back attitude, which makes it even stranger that thousands of them have barricaded you in your house.
  • Gemini Your tireless efforts have finally united America's workers, but it's less glorious than it sounds, given that you're the NFL's director of brand marketing.
  • Cancer You've finally run up against a problem your trusty meat cleaver can't solve, but that's why they make big wooden mallets.
  • Leo An attempt to popularize the book-length homilies of Laura Ingalls Wilder will result in professional wrestling's strangest phase yet.
  • Virgo Your inability to keep a recent fascination with the rock group Kansas to yourself will result in the first recorded use of a ducking stool since 1848.
  • Libra When you finally come out of the coma, friends will cheer your decision to reveal your recipe for Polish Bacon Buns.
  • Scorpio You won't exactly fade into obscurity after your death, considering that that's where you spent all of your life.
  • Sagittarius When the aliens finally arrive, they'll be much less advanced than anyone expected, as evinced by your maiming under the bald tires of their out-of-control '79 Buick.
  • Capricorn You'll be thrown into a panic when the doctor diagnoses you with ulnar nerve damage, until he explains that that's just funny-bone trouble.
  • Aquarius Stephen Hawking will revise his controversial theory on black holes, leaving you stumped about that noisy thing in your sink that eats garbage.
  • Pisces The stars convey the wisdom that men and women are different, making you wonder momentarily if they might not just be giant fusion reactors after all.