Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 32•03 Aug 19, 1997
  • Aries After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
  • Taurus The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
  • Gemini You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
  • Cancer A humdrum week will be greatly enlivened when you discover fresh new ideas for home and office in the 64-page, full-color September Cancer catalog.
  • Leo You enjoy a visit from a handsome Taurus this week, but ultimately discover that, to your shame, the conjugal-visit trailer was bugged.
  • Virgo An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
  • Libra The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
  • Scorpio Scorpio is called the scorpion, but to be honest, you're really more of a potato beetle.
  • Sagittarius You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
  • Capricorn You are genuinely surprised to learn that you are the only one who likes your rapacious, malodorous, ugly little pet ferret.
  • Aquarius The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
  • Pisces Bad weather, a balky stallion and 300 years of social progress conspire to ruin your fox hunt.