Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 34•03 Aug 19, 1998
  • Aries Stick up for what you believe in this week. Write a strongly worded letter to your local newspaper protesting their slanted and one-sided coverage of murder issues.
  • Taurus No one will stand in your way if you heed Taurus' words: Walk briskly and swing an axe in front of you.
  • Gemini It seems cruel, but for now it’s best not to accept Buddy Hackett's tearful apology for last week’s incident.
  • Cancer Six fractured vertebrae, a separated shoulder, a severe concussion and 10 shattered fingers convince you that you aren’t cut out for the typist's life.
  • Leo Everything may seem quiet in the sign of the lion, but take heed: The Capricorns have increased the budget for their nuclear-powered sub-orbital anti-Leo lasers.
  • Virgo You will be incinerated in a Bangkok blast furnace when a Thai prostitute misinterprets your repeated insistence on "getting your ashes hauled."
  • Libra You will receive a late-night phone call from the world’s most beautiful people asking how it feels to not be one of them.
  • Scorpio Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, will introduce a fun new game he calls "See How Close I Can Come To The Scorpio Without Actually Hitting Him With The Lightning Bolt."
  • Sagittarius You may be entitled to a large refund this week when the gynecologist you’ve been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
  • Capricorn Saturn in your sign is cause for concern, as Capricorn has had a restaining order against the planet for years.
  • Aquarius God will announce that you may be forgiven for any one sin you’ve committed, except the melon-fucking.
  • Pisces Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.