• Aries You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.
  • Taurus An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.
  • Gemini The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.
  • Cancer We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.
  • Leo Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.
  • Virgo One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
  • Libra You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.
  • Scorpio The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.
  • Sagittarius Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.
  • Capricorn You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okay–He believes in Himself.
  • Aquarius Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.
  • Pisces Whatever you do this week will prove that Rip Torn was right about you.