Horoscope for the week of August 20, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•32 Aug 20, 2003
  • Aries Your threats to the other bar-goers would have seemed a lot more frightening if your Vespa hadn't stalled while you were trying to race away.
  • Taurus Whatever else happens this week, you should not miss the Taurus Summer Blowout Sale, going on right now.
  • Gemini You will learn that he whom the gods would destroy, the gods first treat to a whole bunch of delicious pancakes.
  • Cancer Three wonders will you see this week: seven falling stars, a rainbow 'round the moon, and a person drinking Stoli Vanilla whom you don't want to hit.
  • Leo Remember to take baby steps. There is no reason to rush something major like a trip to Miami.
  • Virgo There are things that people weren't meant to know. In spite of what you think, however, that doesn't include everything.
  • Libra Although you've certainly slept your way somewhere, no one would ever mistake it for the top.
  • Scorpio You will magically transform yourself from the nice lady in human resources to the bad girl of goat porn.
  • Sagittarius The "astronomers" say Mars is now closer to Earth than it will be for 60,000 years, but you know it's really rising in Sagittarius.
  • Capricorn Take heart: The worst is over. Nevertheless, the fact remains that "life as normal" is nothing to write home about.
  • Aquarius The fairness of destiny isn't ours to judge, but if you feed hot sauce to a Rottweiler, you deserve everything you get.
  • Pisces A little hard work never hurt anyone—unless, like you, they were trying to move 16 beef sides off an assembly line during a runaway meat-warehouse fire.