Horoscope for the week of August 21, 1996

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Aries The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.

Taurus If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.

Gemini A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.

Cancer Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.

Leo Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.

Virgo The culmination of your life’s dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.

Libra Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truckstops along I-90.

Scorpio Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.

Sagittarius Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.

Capricorn Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.

Aquarius Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.

Pisces Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of August ... (August 7, 1996)
Horoscope for the week of August ... » (August 28, 1996)

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