Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

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Aries You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.

Taurus You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.

Gemini Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.

Cancer Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.

Leo You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.

Virgo It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.

Libra The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.

Scorpio While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.

Sagittarius It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.

Capricorn Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.

Aquarius You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.

Pisces The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.

More Horoscope

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Horoscope for the week of August ... » (August 28, 2002)

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