Horoscope for the week of August 21, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•30 Aug 21, 2002
  • Aries You always thought an amoeba was a simple, single-celled organism, but the description seems to fit you perfectly.
  • Taurus You will be exasperated and embarrassed by your appearance on Fox's Let's Give A Million Bucks To The Guy With The Cleanest Underwear.
  • Gemini Your lawyer's closing arguments will hinge on the premise that you're too damned ugly to have even considered killing all those people.
  • Cancer Your real-estate investments won't seem so wise when the Dow crashes though the roof of the apartment complex you recently bought.
  • Leo You will set a new record as the person most often struck by stray gunshots, flaming debris, and rampaging flightless birds escaping the circus.
  • Virgo It may be time to reassess the risk/reward ratio of your nickel-counterfeiting operation.
  • Libra The war for your stomach escalates when the vitamin fortifications of your complete breakfast are destroyed by a single well-placed Bomb Pop.
  • Scorpio While no one will ever take your place in her heart, two tennis instructors, a bassist, and several of your friends have taken your place in her other areas.
  • Sagittarius It does nothing to ease your pain when Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas is fined $7.25 for assaulting you at a fried-chicken restaurant.
  • Capricorn Your characterization of your recent firing as a "Pyrrhic victory" illustrates your tendency to misinterpret classical references.
  • Aquarius You're a guy who loves children. Which is good, as you're about to find out just how many you have.
  • Pisces The stars wouldn't take the risks you do, but, hey, it's your life for the next six months or so.