• Aries Stop complaining that no one cares if you live or die. It's only half true.
  • Taurus Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Gemini The stars would like to tell you about the naked ladies and the $50 billion in Nazi gold, but if you didn't believe us about the dark stranger, you'll never buy this.
  • Cancer Cancer has had a real hard time lately, what with Mrs. Cancer moving out and all, so why don't you just decide your own damn destiny this week? Assholes.
  • Leo You will take a long journey, half of it over water, the other half plunging down through the water in a mass of still-burning jet fuel and twisted aluminum.
  • Virgo Once the initial uproar over the killer bees has died down, attention will turn to the Virgo who placed them in the HVAC system. Plead no contest.
  • Libra In a nutshell: Everybody knows. They hate you for it. They're absolutely right to feel that way. It will be born dead.
  • Scorpio Your date with Dave will go swimmingly until the part in which the waiter turns out to be an escaped zoo monkey.
  • Sagittarius Christ Himself couldn't save you from what Fate has in store for you this week, but it sure is nice that He showed up to tell you Himself.
  • Capricorn You'll have another one of "those dreams," but at least this time you won't wake up to find your pillow missing.
  • Aquarius If someone says "the," "a," or "and" to you one more time, you're gonna scream.
  • Pisces Pisces is getting the feeling that you never pay it any attention unless you want something.