• Aries You can't figure out why you're always dreaming about having sex with John Madden. After all, you have lots of sex with John Madden while you're awake.
  • Taurus The nicest word used during your personal beauty consultation will turn out to be "sturdy."
  • Gemini Try as they might, doctors will be unable to figure out your unwholesome obsession with Katharine Hepburn. Everyone knows that Audrey was the hot one.
  • Cancer Jesus knows He promised to love you until the end of the world, but He expected it to have ended it by now.
  • Leo You've always said that life is like a Busby Berkeley number, but after getting past the clothes, you find that the analogy starts to break down.
  • Virgo The pitter-patter of little feet will soon be heard around your house. So will the wet sussurations of gigantic tongues.
  • Libra After many false starts and long periods of inactivity, you finally finish the novel you started years ago in college.
  • Scorpio You will be hunted down like a dog by TV's Mr. Food. He must have found out about you and Mrs. Food.
  • Sagittarius Unease enters your life this week in the form of a cute kitten. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should make you uneasy, but that's the creepy part.
  • Capricorn You will be unable to look at your new love interest without a jaundiced eye. Consider having that jaundice looked at.
  • Aquarius Try as you might, you just can't for the life of you figure out what that poetry stuff is supposed to be for.
  • Pisces You somehow acquire the ability to understand what animals are saying and are shocked to learn that they've been telling you to go screw yourself for years.