• Aries Your love is dead, but dead love is not like a dead person. All the car batteries, radioactive injections, and monkey extract in the world won't bring it back.
  • Taurus Certain factors beyond your control—albeit not beyond your comprehension—will prevent you from being initiated into the Sapphic mysteries.
  • Gemini You always thought ghosts could fly, walk through walls, and commune with those yet living, but you'll just have to be content with knocking over the occasional teacup.
  • Cancer You've always considered yourself something of a shutterbug, but that's certainly not what the Interpol agents who confiscate your hard drive will call you.
  • Leo They say beggars can't be choosers, but to hell with them—you don't feel like going to the soup kitchen.
  • Virgo You really shouldn't let the weather get you down—unless, of course, you call a rain of house-sized asteroids "weather."
  • Libra People are fond of saying that teaching a pig to sing will just waste your time and annoy the pig, once again undervaluing the importance of education.
  • Scorpio Your "nationwide rollout" of a new women's razor will make headlines, but it certainly won't be in the business section.
  • Sagittarius Brave men and women of the revolution will sacrifice their lives, fortunes, and sacred honor to free you from your chains, but their music really sucks.
  • Capricorn There may not even be an NHL season this year, so it won't make a ripple when you nearly kill a guy with a hockey stick.
  • Aquarius They say poetry is the unwatered wine of life, but regular old watered wine has always been good enough for you.
  • Pisces The stars usually concern themselves with your future, but they just wanted to remind you that at this time last year, you were "very seriously" considering law school.