• Aries Your pride in your new rubber bondage suit is stifled somewhat when you realize that it was meant for scuba diving only.
  • Taurus The fact that you are a small-town boy who was born and raised in South Detroit will be enough to keep America holding on to its dreams.
  • Gemini The existential pain of modern life will pale in comparison to the pain of the 155mm cast-iron stovebolt the doctors want to put in your skull.
  • Cancer Though your pride in being chosen Employee of the Month is certainly justified, you should wait before introducing your new line of inspirational office posters.
  • Leo The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
  • Virgo Your horrendous treatment by the otherwise professional staff of the local health clinic is Virgo's way of telling you to lay off the nurse-killing jokes.
  • Libra Though the stars warn of the appearance of a dark, mysterious stranger in your life, they do so for entertainment purposes only.
  • Scorpio Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
  • Sagittarius Earth and water magic are strong in Sagittarius this month. Spend most of your free time face-down in the mud.
  • Capricorn Your sympathetic anguish for starving children around the world will be temporarily eclipsed by the anguish of not getting tickets to an upcoming Phish concert.
  • Aquarius You are overjoyed to discover that William S. Burroughs left you his voice in his will.
  • Pisces You will reach the high point of your life this week when your name is mentioned on NPR's Car Talk.