Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1998

Horoscope ISSUE 34•04 Aug 26, 1998
  • Aries You will take a major step forward in your personal growth this week when you stop worrying about what others think of you and tell the jury what really happened to Mother.
  • Taurus After years of talks, representatives of the Presley estate grudgingly agree to unauthorize your Elvis biography.
  • Gemini Your T-shirt company will be sued into oblivion this week by a manufacturer of sex-machine solar panels.
  • Cancer A mistake in your horoscope last week has resulted in your missing a chance at lifelong love, prosperity and happiness. The stars apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
  • Leo A group of powerful Republican lobbyists will finally win their long legal battle to have you renamed the Ronald Reagan Memorial Leo.
  • Virgo Your doctor will break the news to you that you have the health of a 95-year-old Lebanese woman. This is good news, however, as you are a 117-year-old Lebanese woman.
  • Libra You will fail to secure a patent on your hydraulic little-old-lady compactor, as it closely resembles an existing AT&T; design from 1987.
  • Scorpio A demonstration involving Euclidean geometry, observed cause-and-effect relationships and Newtonian physics will disprove your assertion that "The Bible is the ultimate authority."
  • Sagittarius You will make romantic history this week when your love for your spouse dies of a massive heroin overdose.
  • Capricorn A grammar expert informs you that you have been misusing the word "hopefully" for years. The word you should have been using is "hopelessly."
  • Aquarius Your relatives will be forced to bury you in a piano case this week, though you are neither obese nor dead.
  • Pisces Your life will go on as usual for seven more largely uneventful days.