Horoscope

08.27.03 | ISSUE 39•33

  • Aries You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
  • Taurus The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
  • Gemini This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
  • Cancer The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town's warning klaxon.
  • Leo The world's scientists will be excited when you tell them you're growing a vestigial tail, until they realize the scatological nature of your sense of humor.
  • Virgo Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
  • Libra You'll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
  • Scorpio It's getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
  • Sagittarius The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.
  • Capricorn People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
  • Aquarius You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
  • Pisces Don't worry if you don't understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you're stupid.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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