Horoscope for the week of August 27, 2003

Horoscope ISSUE 39•33 Aug 27, 2003
  • Aries You'll raise self-involvement to new heights by taking the discovery of a new species of insect as a personal affront.
  • Taurus The way you relate to others will only be subtly altered by your new habit of carrying a constantly firing Gatling gun under each arm.
  • Gemini This week will bring you a healthy, fulfilling romance in the workplace. That will motivate you to get a goddamn job.
  • Cancer The siren song of forbidden love will ring in your ears this week when you become sexually attracted to your town's warning klaxon.
  • Leo The world's scientists will be excited when you tell them you're growing a vestigial tail, until they realize the scatological nature of your sense of humor.
  • Virgo Enough about you. This week, Virgo will be unable to shake the feeling that you never listen to her.
  • Libra You'll discover a great new diet that lets you eat whatever you want while ballooning up to 450 sexy, sexy pounds.
  • Scorpio It's getting harder for your loved ones to believe that you never have any spare change.
  • Sagittarius The movement of planets in your sign foretells amazing romantic events this week. The stars, however, just pour out endless amounts of electromagnetic radiation.
  • Capricorn People often fall in love with the person who is worst for them, which is good news for you.
  • Aquarius You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.
  • Pisces Don't worry if you don't understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you're stupid.