Horoscope for the week of August 28, 1996

Horoscope ISSUE 30•03 Aug 28, 1996
  • Aries The stars indicate that it's time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
  • Taurus If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.
  • Gemini A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.
  • Cancer Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.
  • Leo Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.
  • Virgo The culmination of your life's dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.
  • Libra Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those "take-a-penny" trays at the truckstops along I-90.
  • Scorpio Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.
  • Sagittarius Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.
  • Capricorn Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.
  • Aquarius Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.
  • Pisces Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.