Horoscope for the week of August 28, 1996

- A.V. Club
- Store
- Dating
- Contests

In The News
- Blowjob Queen
- Kennedy Death List
- Cowering Animals
- Nest Egg Of Debt
- Last Updated 12:15 PM

Horoscope

Article Tools

Email

Email

To:

From:
Print
Share
Share
- Facebook
- Digg
- Stumble
- Reddit

Aries The stars indicate that it's time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.

Taurus If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.

Gemini A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.

Cancer Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.

Leo Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.

Virgo The culmination of your life's dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.

Libra Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those "take-a-penny" trays at the truckstops along I-90.

Scorpio Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.

Sagittarius Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.

Capricorn Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.

Aquarius Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.

Pisces Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of August ... (August 21, 1996)
Horoscope for the week of September ... » (September 4, 1996)

Past Horoscopes

May 22, 2012

Aries No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand. Taurus Just take things one day at a time this week, even though you're up against a race of impossibly ad...
May 15, 2012

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...
May 8, 2012

Aries You've tried everything you can think of to stop yourself from gaining weight. Unfortunately, you have your best ideas while eating entire coconut-cream pies. Taurus Despite your efforts to be a modern-day hero, yo...
May 1, 2012

Aries You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you. Taurus Your life story will bring much-ne...
April 24, 2012

Aries Sex with you is an earth-shattering experience, especially the part where hundreds of Indonesians lose their lives. Taurus Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a seri...
April 17, 2012

Aries Your feeling of impending doom shall come to nothing again this week as the world continues to turn and your life goes on as normal. Perhaps you should consider feeling useless and stupid instead. Taurus Our survey...
March 27, 2012

Aries This is a good time to make big moves at work, as you'll show up Monday to find all the furniture's gone and everyone has relocated to a new office somewhere outside Gary, IN. Taurus You'll experience a desire to s...
March 20, 2012

Aries You will finally be reunited with your family when a sudden mudslide exposes their long-buried station wagon. Taurus Moses died within sight of his goals after wandering in the desert for 40 years, but you'll beat ...
March 13, 2012

Aries Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you. Taurus Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely ...