Aries You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they always have to use yours.
Taurus You continue to hurt the ones you love–not because you're a weak or bad person, but because narrative logic seems to demand it of you.
Gemini You will be profoundly moved by a free tin of mints from a marketing company that clearly cares very much about you.
Cancer In the harsh light of day, your plans seem crude and childish, making it all the more obvious that you need a good planning lamp.
Leo The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.
Virgo No matter how many children you abduct, you can't seem to garner national media attention. Next time, stick to pretty white girls.
Libra Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse to think of yourself as "trapped."
Scorpio You will experience monumental shifts in your sense of self-worth next week after your value is tied to the peso.
Sagittarius Your suicide would have been the stuff of country-music legend if Billie Joe McAllister hadn't jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge the very same day.
Capricorn You will undergo a crisis of faith when your pastor cannot explain to you why everyone at the Last Supper was on one side of the table.
Aquarius You are eager to undergo hip-replacement surgery until you realize they're just going to put in another hip.
Pisces The stars see your hopes dashed, your dreams mocked, and your friends proven false, and so they say: Stop hanging out with theater people.
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