• Aries You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you don't understand why they always have to use yours.
  • Taurus You continue to hurt the ones you love–not because you're a weak or bad person, but because narrative logic seems to demand it of you.
  • Gemini You will be profoundly moved by a free tin of mints from a marketing company that clearly cares very much about you.
  • Cancer In the harsh light of day, your plans seem crude and childish, making it all the more obvious that you need a good planning lamp.
  • Leo The story of your love life seems boring and uneventful, so Fate has decided to throw in a plane crash and swordfight toward the end.
  • Virgo No matter how many children you abduct, you can't seem to garner national media attention. Next time, stick to pretty white girls.
  • Libra Though you are locked in a corn-chip packaging plant with no way to escape, you refuse to think of yourself as "trapped."
  • Scorpio You will experience monumental shifts in your sense of self-worth next week after your value is tied to the peso.
  • Sagittarius Your suicide would have been the stuff of country-music legend if Billie Joe McAllister hadn't jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge the very same day.
  • Capricorn You will undergo a crisis of faith when your pastor cannot explain to you why everyone at the Last Supper was on one side of the table.
  • Aquarius You are eager to undergo hip-replacement surgery until you realize they're just going to put in another hip.
  • Pisces The stars see your hopes dashed, your dreams mocked, and your friends proven false, and so they say: Stop hanging out with theater people.