• Aries Try to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
  • Taurus You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
  • Gemini You will soon learn the secrets of the butterflies. Their stark, unrelenting malice will drive you gibberingly insane.
  • Cancer There's an old adage, "If there's a gun in the story, it's got to go off." Well, your story now has a pair of breeding mountain gorillas in it.
  • Leo Your suicide note elicits remorse from the person who finds it in the pocket of the old coat they bought at Goodwill.
  • Virgo Don't worry: Suppressed-memory theory has been largely discredited, so it's almost certain that your uncle didn't do all those things you're starting to recall.
  • Libra You will somehow find a way to steer every conversation toward the uselessness of the NFL preseason.
  • Scorpio You will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and helplessness this week, especially while drowning.
  • Sagittarius Now that the stars think about it, last week's dark, handsome stranger wasn't really all that dark or handsome, after all. He was also your regional manager, wasn't he? Oops! Sorry.
  • Capricorn Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.
  • Aquarius Aquarius has no idea who put that bumper sticker on his car, but please stop asking about his grandchildren.
  • Pisces The Zodiac is still around during the daytime, even if you can't see it. So don't try anything funny, okay? Good.