Aries For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone.
Taurus Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a mysterious personality; they just don't know your name.
Gemini You will be sought out by a dark stranger who wants you to pay late fees.
Cancer You will find religious enlightenment in a strange and lonely place this week. Be sure to thank the Gideons.
Leo Take time out for yourself this week, but be sure to take even more time out for Ed. He hardly even knows you anymore.
Virgo The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
Libra Though you have never learned the true meaning of love, you're pretty sure you know the proper way to use the word "hopefully."
Scorpio For the last time, Scorpio never recorded a song called "Rock You Like A Hurricane."
Sagittarius The moon rising in Sagittarius may look impressive, but it actually happens fairly often and doesn’t really mean anything.
Capricorn There will be trouble in your Fire sign this week, especially if you pull down on that lever just below the sign when there's no fire. That’s a major felony.
Aquarius Your future looks bleak and desolate this week. However, hog futures are looking very good in the short term.
Pisces Your love life continues to go nowhere, but what astrologers call your "indifference life" has never looked better.
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