• Aries For years, you thought your deep, dark secret was known only to you and God, but you're chagrined to hear He’s been going around telling everyone.
  • Taurus Nobody will be able to figure out what to put on your tombstone this week. It's not that you have a mysterious personality; they just don't know your name.
  • Gemini You will be sought out by a dark stranger who wants you to pay late fees.
  • Cancer You will find religious enlightenment in a strange and lonely place this week. Be sure to thank the Gideons.
  • Leo Take time out for yourself this week, but be sure to take even more time out for Ed. He hardly even knows you anymore.
  • Virgo The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the East in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.
  • Libra Though you have never learned the true meaning of love, you're pretty sure you know the proper way to use the word "hopefully."
  • Scorpio For the last time, Scorpio never recorded a song called "Rock You Like A Hurricane."
  • Sagittarius The moon rising in Sagittarius may look impressive, but it actually happens fairly often and doesn’t really mean anything.
  • Capricorn There will be trouble in your Fire sign this week, especially if you pull down on that lever just below the sign when there's no fire. That’s a major felony.
  • Aquarius Your future looks bleak and desolate this week. However, hog futures are looking very good in the short term.
  • Pisces Your love life continues to go nowhere, but what astrologers call your "indifference life" has never looked better.