Horoscope for the week of August 4, 2004

Horoscope ISSUE 40•31 Aug 4, 2004
  • Aries The "before" and "after" photos of your diet plan are dramatic, but it's the "during" photos that will fill the jury box with vomit.
  • Taurus Experts agree that getting enough sleep is important, but they look like the kind of cunning, crafty experts who would love to catch you unconscious.
  • Gemini By the time government troops are able to cut through the locks of your Love Zeppelin and "rescue" everyone inside, you'll already be a folk hero.
  • Cancer No, no, no—you're supposed to gently heat the garlic cloves until they caramelize, you moron, not turn them into a burnt paste.
  • Leo Sharpening the nation's steering wheels and promoting proper tire deflation will be your first priorities when you're appointed to chair the Institute of Highway Danger.
  • Virgo You'll get a chance to do it all again knowing what you know now, taking the fun out of about 15 Super Bowls.
  • Libra You're the prime suspect after witnesses overhear you say you're "so hungry I could eat either a horse or the dismembered body of the vice-president of that bank on Garfield Street."
  • Scorpio Piracy is still a major problem in the Philippines, but that's a pretty lousy reason to want to move there.
  • Sagittarius People will complain to you about the disruption of traffic, but it's not your fault that love-struck buildings are following you everywhere.
  • Capricorn You suspect it was a misprint when the newspaper claimed that drinking a glass of red wine once a minute is good for the heart, but what the hell.
  • Aquarius Very few of your monetary problems will be over when you win the record-low lottery jackpot of $.0000017 million.
  • Pisces The pilot will make an emergency landing because of you, in spite of your repeated and emphatic insistence that you are not a suspicious object.