Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

Horoscope ISSUE 32•01 Aug 5, 1997
  • Aries Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.
  • Taurus Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what's so funny.
  • Gemini Saturn in your sign indicates that this is a great time to buy or lease a new Saturn. See your dealer for details.
  • Cancer Take the advice of bluegrass legend Bill Monroe: Kill your best girl down by the muddy banks of the old Ohio.
  • Leo Add your personal stamp to the brand-new skyscraper in town by being the very first to leap off its roof to your death.
  • Virgo The stars indicate that you should go out and kill until the streets are choked with blood. But not yet! Not yet!
  • Libra Though you are a good person and a loving friend to all you know, you will still be sent to hell for your maddening lack of punctuality.
  • Scorpio Spice up your daily life by conducting all conversations in a falsetto voice.
  • Sagittarius A bizarre incident at an all-night diner results in your becoming the first martyr of the Right To Pie movement.
  • Capricorn Six people will suffer laughter-induced cardiac arrest following your pro-abstinence speech.
  • Aquarius You will soon move to a place where your horoscope does not apply.
  • Pisces Your love is a powerful thing. Withhold it from mortal men.