• Aries You are not noble in reason, infinite in faculty, like an angel in your actions, or especially moving in your form. However, you are a real piece of work.
  • Taurus Be reasonable. Just because last week's horoscope was a wildly inaccurate prediction of your future is no reason to give up on the Zodiac forever.
  • Gemini Your plans to find love, fortune, and happiness utterly ignore the Second Law Of Thermodynamics.
  • Cancer You should have a relaxed week once you clear your calendar of all appointments except that strange one in Samara.
  • Leo This week could be exceptionally soul-crushing, especially if you finally complete work on that Soul Crusher.
  • Virgo The stars know how this is going to sound, but trust us on this one: You are, in fact, fated to meet a tall, dark stranger.
  • Libra Your problems in the bedroom are finally solved when you hire trained professionals to remove the raccoons.
  • Scorpio For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
  • Sagittarius The Latin inscription on the amphora you found translates to "Insanity is not a necessity to work in this Senate, but helpful nonetheless."
  • Capricorn The Coq au Vin will be a little astringent and the wine a bit audacious for the menu, but as last meals go, there have been worse.
  • Aquarius You've always wanted a helper monkey, but your new harmer monkey will have to do.
  • Pisces The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior.