Aries You are not noble in reason, infinite in faculty, like an angel in your actions, or especially moving in your form. However, you are a real piece of work.
Taurus Be reasonable. Just because last week's horoscope was a wildly inaccurate prediction of your future is no reason to give up on the Zodiac forever.
Gemini Your plans to find love, fortune, and happiness utterly ignore the Second Law Of Thermodynamics.
Cancer You should have a relaxed week once you clear your calendar of all appointments except that strange one in Samara.
Leo This week could be exceptionally soul-crushing, especially if you finally complete work on that Soul Crusher.
Virgo The stars know how this is going to sound, but trust us on this one: You are, in fact, fated to meet a tall, dark stranger.
Libra Your problems in the bedroom are finally solved when you hire trained professionals to remove the raccoons.
Scorpio For centuries, great thinkers have contemplated the purpose of life. It's best to just relax and assume they've figured it out.
Sagittarius The Latin inscription on the amphora you found translates to "Insanity is not a necessity to work in this Senate, but helpful nonetheless."
Capricorn The Coq au Vin will be a little astringent and the wine a bit audacious for the menu, but as last meals go, there have been worse.
Aquarius You've always wanted a helper monkey, but your new harmer monkey will have to do.
Pisces The stars would love to influence your future, but they are powerless against your well-established patterns of behavior.
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