Horoscope for the week of August 7, 1996

Horoscope ISSUE 30•01 Aug 7, 1996
  • Aries Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the mallet who kills people.
  • Taurus The pendulum of your love life slowly swings toward the good as you discover the great joys of auto-erotic hanging.
  • Gemini You're the rare person whose mom didn't throw out your comic books. They're now evidence in your kiddie-porn trial.
  • Cancer You're in for real disappointment when you discover that blood is not the sweet wine of life, but is instead salty, coppery-tasting and sticky.
  • Leo You should take some time to accept life's uncomfortable little truths. You've sired the brats of half the truckstop gals east of the Continental Divide.
  • Virgo Mars ascendant in your sign means that your cosmic third eye will soon open. If it doesn't, do it yourself by using an auger on your forehead.
  • Libra You find out your roommate has an innocent crush on your boyfriend. Salt her tampons.
  • Scorpio The stars indicate that McCormick's 80-proof vodka at $3.25 a pint is the soothing elixir you need for your delirium tremens.
  • Sagittarius Trouble is to be expected on the business front. Customer satisfaction with your gasoline-based Home Flammability Kit will soon plummet to 38 percent.
  • Capricorn Venus descendant in your sign means you need to become closer to your loved ones. Try eating their nail clippings.
  • Aquarius Travel is in your future. Pass an entire bicycle through your body, part by part, and then ride it across the nation.
  • Pisces An awkward silence will threaten to ruin one of your many blind dates this month. Break the ice by displaying your homemade necklace of census taker’s ears.