Horoscope

08.08.01 | ISSUE 37•27

  • Aries You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
  • Taurus The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
  • Gemini A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Cancer Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
  • Leo Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
  • Virgo Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Libra Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
  • Scorpio Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
  • Sagittarius Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
  • Capricorn You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
  • Aquarius Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
  • Pisces Before you use the words ennui, angst, or weltschmertz one more time, the stars politely request that you look them up and find out what they actually mean.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

    See All Horoscopes
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