• Aries You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
  • Taurus The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
  • Gemini A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
  • Cancer Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
  • Leo Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
  • Virgo Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
  • Libra Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
  • Scorpio Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
  • Sagittarius Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
  • Capricorn You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
  • Aquarius Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
  • Pisces Before you use the words ennui, angst, or weltschmertz one more time, the stars politely request that you look them up and find out what they actually mean.