Aries You will be forced to admit that being up to your neck in pussy is not as sexy as it sounded.
Taurus The stars indicate that more Zodiac signs choose Jif than any other leading brand of peanut butter.
Gemini A team of FDA physicians and researchers will soon come out with a 45-page, item-by-item recall of everything you've eaten in the past six months.
Cancer Your love life will take a turn for the better when you begin to incorporate lessons gleaned from Clausewitz's On War.
Leo Your love for the classic American folk song "Goodnight Irene" will soon have the media referring to you as the Goodnight Irene Slasher.
Virgo Just because the ambulances go by at high speeds does not mean they want to race you.
Libra Your life will continue its pattern of long stretches of boredom punctuated by intense moments of wondering what exactly nougat is.
Scorpio Your office romance begins to go awry when your coworkers realize that it's more of an office-furniture romance.
Sagittarius Your date will somehow fail to be pacified when told that your tail is not, in fact, prehensile.
Capricorn You will free up several hours in your week when you realize that there is no need for you to hold daily eating practice.
Aquarius Saul Bellow has called modern life "an unbearable state of distraction," but you seem to enjoy it well enough.
Pisces Before you use the words ennui, angst, or weltschmertz one more time, the stars politely request that you look them up and find out what they actually mean.
0