Horoscope

12.01.99 | ISSUE 35•44

  • Aries You will soon learn that it takes more to make a man a doctor than a sharp set of steak knives and a degree from a truck-driving school.
  • Taurus No one can communicate effectively without the right tools, so make sure you have a good set of bench, shoulder and block planes.
  • Gemini Take things day by day this week, even if you have the ability to exist outside of time.
  • Cancer Nobody likes a tattle-tale, but all the world loves a lover. Split the difference by tattling on your lovers.
  • Leo Please quit asking your friends and family if somebody said "McDonald's."
  • Virgo Fire and air magicks are strong in Virgo this week, which should be all the hint you need to avoid air travel.
  • Libra Though you have a hard time believing you were switched at birth, your resemblance to your alleged littermates is undeniable.
  • Scorpio Despite the testimony of witnesses, the preponderance of compelling evidence, and the fact that it all seems to fit, no one will buy your theory on JFK's suicide.
  • Sagittarius If you don't overcome your fears and tell your spouse how much you love him, you'll burst. Next week, you will actually burst.
  • Capricorn You will be blindsided by a disaster that any decent system for predicting the future should have been able to warn you about.
  • Aquarius Trouble looms at work when your office romance turns into an office murder mystery.
  • Pisces While it's true that you won't win any beauty contests, take heart: At least you're not one of those brainiacs, either.
  • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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