Horoscope

12.01.04 | ISSUE 40•48

  • Aries You fail to see why people are trying to stop you from crying because you have no shoes. Dammit, you're in a lot of foot pain.
  • Taurus There are some unreasonable types out there who object to your wanting everyone to be a nice, normal skin color.
  • Gemini There's nothing wrong with putting women on a pedestal, but fastening them there with nails, adhesives, and bulky straps tends to ruin the look.
  • Cancer Legends have it that the statue of Lincoln on the National Mall will stand up for an honest man, but they give no clue as to why it would show up in your driveway and take a nine-iron to your car.
  • Leo You will never again be able to act just as you will in a fried-chicken restaurant without being held accountable.
  • Virgo You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
  • Libra No, baboons do not understand human speech. You just happened to run across an angry one who could read your snotty body language.
  • Scorpio If you're reading this on the weekend, the stars wish for your speedy recovery. If you're reading it before the weekend, call a plumber and a rat-catcher right now.
  • Sagittarius You've long sought the solitary life of the lighthouse keeper, but it turns out that most of those things are built at the entrances to subdivisions these days.
  • Capricorn You believe great things are right around the corner, but they might be more accurately described as great big things hurtling out of control.
  • Aquarius You obviously weren't concealing anything, so your new theory is that airport security has it in for naked people.
  • Pisces Like all people, you are powerless to change your fate, but not your nature. Try to become a kinder, more loving person by the time that safe lands on you.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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