• Aries Confusion is in store for Aries this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Sonny Liston tenderly massaging your feet.
  • Taurus An uncontrollable attack of explosive flatulence at a Hollywood party results in your landing on the cover of Premiere magazine, touted as the next Jim Carrey.
  • Gemini Your dream of athletic stardom comes true when you are promoted to head sweat-wiper for the Denver Nuggets.
  • Cancer Take comfort that your funeral next Friday will set attendance records at Radio City Music Hall, as all of New York celebrates.
  • Leo A financial windfall comes your way this week when all your relatives perish in a whorehouse fire, leaving you as sole heir.
  • Virgo A bizarre set of circumstances involving the winter solstice, some LSD and a Boston fern conspire to make you the world's first herbisexual.
  • Libra A drunken Father Time will appear at your doorstep this week, ask you how much time you think you have left, and laugh uproariously at your guess.
  • Scorpio Ridicule is your lot when Charles Nelson Reilly is picked to play you in your musical autobiography.
  • Sagittarius Due to conditions beyond fate's control, Sagittarius will be required to repeat February 1992.
  • Capricorn Your tough-as-nails image suffers irreparable damage when Harry Dean Stanton makes good on his promise to impregnate your mother.
  • Aquarius Uncertainty looms over Aquarius this week. Stock up on gum, kerosene and matches.
  • Pisces Your career as the Farmer Crock spokesmodel is derailed when you cannot resist eating the muesli bikini.