Horoscope for the week of December 10, 2003

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Aries There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel worse.

Taurus Moist, healthy skin and attention from meteorologists are the perks of having a miniature storm cloud hover over your head all week.

Gemini You had no idea the consequences of forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday would be so severe.

Cancer Watt was inspired to invent the steam engine by a kettle boiling over. What you'll invent after seeing a fat epileptic eat tacos may end life on Earth.

Leo Don't worry: They're not fatal, and you can just tell future lovers that they're oddly placed dreadlocks.

Virgo It might be a holiday tradition, but keep in mind that any letter you write will violate the terms of the restraining order Santa filed against you.

Libra Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.

Scorpio If the football is deflected by a defensive player, the usual rules for pass interference do not apply—a fact which will somehow ruin your marriage.

Sagittarius You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.

Capricorn Tourists will travel from far and wide to see the famous "torture cubicle" in which you slaved away for years, wishing for a quick and merciful death.

Aquarius You had no idea the love life of the orangutan was so complex, so nuanced, and so often taking place in your hall closet.

Pisces Make the world a better place this week. To do the job right, just make sure the pistol is aimed at the roof of your mouth.

More Horoscope

« Horoscope for the week of December ... (December 3, 2003)
Horoscope for the week of December ... » (December 17, 2003)

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