• Aries There are times when it's just not possible to make people feel better about themselves. If you really want to see results, try to make them feel worse.
  • Taurus Moist, healthy skin and attention from meteorologists are the perks of having a miniature storm cloud hover over your head all week.
  • Gemini You had no idea the consequences of forgetting Lou Rawls' birthday would be so severe.
  • Cancer Watt was inspired to invent the steam engine by a kettle boiling over. What you'll invent after seeing a fat epileptic eat tacos may end life on Earth.
  • Leo Don't worry: They're not fatal, and you can just tell future lovers that they're oddly placed dreadlocks.
  • Virgo It might be a holiday tradition, but keep in mind that any letter you write will violate the terms of the restraining order Santa filed against you.
  • Libra Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
  • Scorpio If the football is deflected by a defensive player, the usual rules for pass interference do not apply—a fact which will somehow ruin your marriage.
  • Sagittarius You'll compete with the Devil for your immortal soul in a midnight game of Scrabble, and win handily when he can only think of creepy, depressing Latin words.
  • Capricorn Tourists will travel from far and wide to see the famous "torture cubicle" in which you slaved away for years, wishing for a quick and merciful death.
  • Aquarius You had no idea the love life of the orangutan was so complex, so nuanced, and so often taking place in your hall closet.
  • Pisces Make the world a better place this week. To do the job right, just make sure the pistol is aimed at the roof of your mouth.