Horoscope for the week of December 11, 2002

Horoscope ISSUE 38•46 Dec 11, 2002
  • Aries This holiday season is, as always, a time of terrible stress for you and the rest of the well-formed, eight-foot-tall pine trees.
  • Taurus You would be a lot more comfortable with your home life if you knew why seven-time Winston Cup champion Richard Petty was always hanging around the place.
  • Gemini You'll have the kind of week that makes you wish your parents had followed through on their military-school threats, but for different, sexier reasons.
  • Cancer You'll have a thrilling adventure whose recounting will be greatly enjoyed by those willing to sit through your seizures to get to the sign language.
  • Leo You're beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.
  • Virgo You will get a good deal on a major appliance purchase, but that's about it.
  • Libra An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.
  • Scorpio You will be the toast of forensic investigators from coast to coast for your ability to really spread the ol' fluids around the murder scene.
  • Sagittarius You were a cop, and a damn good one at that, but you committed the ultimate sin and testified against one of your own. Now, you must pay the price and be doomed to late-night cable syndication.
  • Capricorn It's impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher–partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you're a dogcatcher.
  • Aquarius You've never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they're all bullshit anyway.
  • Pisces You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.