Horoscope for the week of December 12, 2001

Horoscope ISSUE 37•45 Dec 12, 2001
  • Aries Give a starving man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to cook a fish, though, and he'll starve to death with a clearer picture of what he's missing.
  • Taurus Your heart may have been in the right place, but it really isn't appropriate to craft a menorah out of Oscar Mayer hot dogs.
  • Gemini Despite what you believe, your tendency to confuse Keats and Wordsworth is far from your greatest flaw.
  • Cancer The classics tell us that the only result of hubris is humiliation, but it's not your fault you are the proud mountain goat.
  • Leo An adventurous ménage á trois turns out to be somewhat of a letdown when you are not invited to participate.
  • Virgo One day, long after your death, your analysis of Samuel Butler's epic Hudibras will eclipse that of the great Rev. Treadway Russell Nash, for all the good that does you.
  • Libra You will be both flattered and worried when you gain renown as the World's Greatest Lover of Fatty Snacks.
  • Scorpio Your worldview will be shaken to the core when Car And Driver asks the disturbing question, "Is The Corvette Still King?"
  • Sagittarius Your life has been a litany of failure, dashed expectations, and unfulfilled dreams, but at least it's almost over.
  • Capricorn The "shooting stars" in your sign may be space debris burning up in Earth's atmosphere, but they nevertheless presage famine, disease, and death.
  • Aquarius Your marriage will finally fall apart this week when your spouse, in a fit of rage, takes the cheerleading squad's word over yours.
  • Pisces No one at the hospital will be able to convince you that, defending its territory or not, the alpaca didn't have the whole thing planned in advance.