Horoscope

12.13.00 | ISSUE 36•45

  • Aries You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots.
  • Taurus The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat which masquerades as bacon but is not bacon.
  • Gemini Tell those smartalecks at work that if they think your job is so easy, they should try inheriting the nation's third-largest paper-goods manufacturing firm.
  • Cancer Federal investigators sent to the disaster site will find it hard to discount your standing there with a bloody tire iron.
  • Leo You will not be sure how to take it after you're described as "the Sherwood Anderson of Sailor Moon fan fiction."
  • Virgo It's not that you're in a no-win situation; it's just that you can't win.
  • Libra Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Scorpio Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
  • Sagittarius This birthday may mark the halfway point of your life, but look on the bright side: You're finally old enough to drive.
  • Capricorn Your field research disproves conventional wisdom, demonstrating that pimping is, in fact, extremely easy.
  • Aquarius You will be recognized as the voice of small-town America after getting drunk and singing George Jones songs in the street all night.
  • Pisces You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.

    • Past Horoscopes

    • February 7, 2012

      Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

    • January 31, 2012

      Aries You've got tough row to hoe in front of you this week, which seems like merely a folksy euphemism until you find you've inherited a run-down potato farm. Taurus Conflicts at work and at home are cleared up instantl...

    • January 24, 2012

      Aries Your death next week will seem in­explicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben. Taurus Your fear of pub...

    • January 17, 2012

      Aries Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying. Taurus You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique aff...

    • January 10, 2012

      Aries You're not sure if your new mousetrap is better, but due to its horrifying use of liquefying blades, the world will beat a path to your door out of sheer morbid curiosity. Taurus You'll need to find new solutions t...

    • January 3, 2012

      Aries To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word "flesh" over and over until it creeps you out. Taurus Most accidents occ...

    • December 6, 2011

      Aries Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it. Taurus You're not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from gett...

    • November 15, 2011

      Aries They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want. Taurus You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news cover...

    • November 8, 2011

      Aries A shocking revelation will shake you to the core of your being this week, which is odd, because it's merely the fact that the Doobie Brothers aren't actual brothers. Taurus Betrayal, treason, and vile cal-umny will...

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