Horoscope for the week of December 13, 2000

Horoscope ISSUE 36•45 Dec 13, 2000
  • Aries You will be crushed to learn that the Black Sabbath song is titled "Fairies Wear Boots," not "Aries" as you had long thought. Return all your boots.
  • Taurus The dog next door will speak to you with the voice of Satan, commanding you to bring it the unclean meat which masquerades as bacon but is not bacon.
  • Gemini Tell those smartalecks at work that if they think your job is so easy, they should try inheriting the nation's third-largest paper-goods manufacturing firm.
  • Cancer Federal investigators sent to the disaster site will find it hard to discount your standing there with a bloody tire iron.
  • Leo You will not be sure how to take it after you're described as "the Sherwood Anderson of Sailor Moon fan fiction."
  • Virgo It's not that you're in a no-win situation; it's just that you can't win.
  • Libra Everyone will be talking about your wonderful personality and kind nature next week, which is customary at funerals.
  • Scorpio Your cat does nothing all day but wash itself and play with a sparkly ball, so it seems you'll have to solve the vicar's murder all by yourself.
  • Sagittarius This birthday may mark the halfway point of your life, but look on the bright side: You're finally old enough to drive.
  • Capricorn Your field research disproves conventional wisdom, demonstrating that pimping is, in fact, extremely easy.
  • Aquarius You will be recognized as the voice of small-town America after getting drunk and singing George Jones songs in the street all night.
  • Pisces You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.