Horoscope for the week of December 15, 1999

Horoscope ISSUE 35•46 Dec 15, 1999
  • Aries You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God."
  • Taurus Try to turn your broken heart into an opportunity. Many states allow emotionally distressed people to plead murder down to manslaughter.
  • Gemini Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
  • Cancer Big changes await you. However, they all involve your very big pants.
  • Leo A large financial reward looms in your future, as the FBI is offering $10,000 for your whereabouts.
  • Virgo Your death in a fiery car crash almost makes the news, but it gets bumped at the last minute for a feature on at-home shoe care.
  • Libra You remain unable to decide whether you want to become a modern primitive or a primitive modernist.
  • Scorpio Though your heroism may go unheralded, you should enter the burning building to save those old issues of Club.
  • Sagittarius You will successfully capture that old feeling from the early days of your marriage. However, the old feeling in question is all-consuming lust for Scott Baio.
  • Capricorn Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
  • Aquarius This is a bad time to start a new business venture. You've got no business experience at all, for God's sake.
  • Pisces You will experience the joy of the successful hunt when your trap captures a 100-pound chunk of fryer grease.