Aries You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God."
Taurus Try to turn your broken heart into an opportunity. Many states allow emotionally distressed people to plead murder down to manslaughter.
Gemini Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
Cancer Big changes await you. However, they all involve your very big pants.
Leo A large financial reward looms in your future, as the FBI is offering $10,000 for your whereabouts.
Virgo Your death in a fiery car crash almost makes the news, but it gets bumped at the last minute for a feature on at-home shoe care.
Libra You remain unable to decide whether you want to become a modern primitive or a primitive modernist.
Scorpio Though your heroism may go unheralded, you should enter the burning building to save those old issues of Club.
Sagittarius You will successfully capture that old feeling from the early days of your marriage. However, the old feeling in question is all-consuming lust for Scott Baio.
Capricorn Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
Aquarius This is a bad time to start a new business venture. You've got no business experience at all, for God's sake.
Pisces You will experience the joy of the successful hunt when your trap captures a 100-pound chunk of fryer grease.
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