Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
Taurus You are possessed with abilities far beyond those of mortal man, but if your super-heroic origin story ever got out, no one would take you seriously.
Gemini It turns out that being a slumlord is actually a whole lot of fun, at least for the time being.
Cancer Whoever said it was easier to destroy than to create never tried collecting their feces in jars for 18 months.
Leo You thought you'd seen the worst humanity had to offer, but that was before you read fan-fiction set in an alternate universe where Hawkeye Pierce and Father Mulcahy are lovers.
Virgo There will finally be a call for restraint among athletes, but not before Joe Horn does a taunting victory dance over the burst ribcages of your family.
Libra With winter upon us, it's time to reflect, take stock of our lives, and maybe wear a skirt that covers your thighs, you slut.
Scorpio Somehow, you don't believe your boss when he tells you that your coworker of 12 years went off to live with a nice family on a beautiful farm.
Sagittarius It's often hard to say goodbye, but that doesn't excuse your practice of throwing down a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion.
Capricorn Unfortunately, a disagreement over whether cool jazz is superior to smooth jazz will not end in bloodshed.
Aquarius A mysterious portrait of you, painted by an acknowledged master, will increase in value as the years progress, while you remain worthless.
Pisces You may be new to farming, but everyone knows that haystacks should be made of hay. Using needles not only injures your cattle, it also clues the other farmers in to the fact that you are a nerd.